


"I'm going low"

by venlig



Series: Breathe [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Josh Dun, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 13:41:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16347776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/venlig/pseuds/venlig
Summary: Usually Josh got out and drummed his fears away.This night was different, though.





	"I'm going low"

 

Tyler felt alive. The fans were jumping and singing loudly and it made him want to dance and scream. His heart raced wild and every muscle in his body was filled with energy.

He took a deep breath and started the second chorus. It wasn't the last show of the tour but they were nearly there. He couldn't wait to get a break and spent some time with Jenna but he would miss this.

Words rushing over his lips like other people breathed, he turned to Josh.

The drummer was smashing the drums especially hard today. It was one of those days. They both knew them.

When everything acquired a little more effort. Getting out of bed, facing people, going on stage. Tyler knew Josh had spent a horrible long time in the bathroom before the show and before they had walked out, he had already been out of breath. It wasn't something unusual so Tyler had just squeezed his friends shoulder and assured him that everything would be fine.

Usually that helped.

Usually Josh got out and drummed his fears away.

This night was different, though.

Josh was playing so aggressive, Tyler was scared the kickdrum would break again. His lips were pressed together, eyes closed against the stage lights.

After the song had ended, Tyler sat himself behind the piano, his fingers resting on the keys, and shot another glance at Josh.

His chest was rising and falling fast and erraticly, but that could be because he had been playing like a maniac before.

Tyler frowned though as he saw Josh's hands shaking visibly as he run his fingers through his sweaty hear. His lips were mumbling words, unable to understand for Tyler, but he doubted that there was a single sound leaving the drummer's mouth. He had a habit of repeating lyrics in his head when he got anxious.

Forcing his attention back on the show, Tyler cleared his throat and softly started to play 'Truce'.

Halfway through the chorus, he raised his gaze and let his eyes wander over the masses. Hands, lights, voices blurring together. Josh had said once that it was scary how _big_ everything was, in this moment Tyler could only think how _beautiful_ it was.

Obviously it all went to hell after that.

\---

He moved his head to look at his best friend and almost missed a note. Even from afar Tyler could make out tears streaming down the drummers face. His hands were clapping wild on his thighs and his mouth was forming soundless words. Tyler knew what a anxiety attack was when he saw one.

' _Snap_ _out_ _of_ _it_ ' he begged, knowing that stopping the show because of Josh would only make it worse.

The song ended and Josh had to pick up the sticks again. He furiously began to play again, louder and harder than ever. Tyler felt the panic through every beat.

Trying not to let the worry rest on his face, he ran to the front of the stage and did as he always did.

He jumped and sung and danced. The voices inside his head got quiet and soon he couldn't think of anything else than the lyrics in his brain, the people in the crowd and the drums under his feet.

That was until they suddenly stopped.

Tyler didn't notice at first, too caught up at rapping his heart and soul out, but when the excited screams got smaller, he snapped back into reality.

His blood turning cold, he spun around and saw Josh stumbling down from his drum rise, hands pressed to his chest.

He walked a few shaky steps, obviously trying to leave the stage, but his knees buckled and his eyes rolled back.

And then Tyler's best friend laid passed out in the middle of the stage.

 

\---

"When I said passing out would be punk rock, that was a joke, you know"

Josh blinked slowly against the bright light. After a few seconds, he made out Tyler, grinning at him. 

Josh groaned.

"What happened?", he asked, his voice raspy and barely louder than a whisper.

"You had a panic attack and passed out, man,"Tyler answered, the smile fading a little and Josh saw worry darkening his eyes.

The drummer sat himself up, a confused frown on his face.

"I did what!? When?"

Tyler's face was completely shadowed by concern now.

"Wait,"a hand rested on Josh's shoulder,"You can't remember?"

Josh shook his head. He tried to recall his last memories but everything was a blur.

"Do you remember this morning? When we had breakfast at this Starbucks around the corner?" Tyler asked.

Josh closed his eyes in concentration, it was hard to think, his mind was still foggy and his brain started to drift away again.

Sighing, he opened his again.

"No sorry, I don't know what you're- Wait,"his eyes widened in shock as he saw the dressing room around them, he remembered this room. He remembered pacing around, drumming on his thighs and murmuring lyrics in here. The fear and anxiety creeped back into his bones as his gaze swept over the white walls and dark floor.

His breath faltered.

"Tyler, when you said I had a panic attack and passed out, did you mean on stage?!"

The singer looked Josh in the eyes.

"I turned around and you were just _crashing_ _down_ ," the fear of the past minutes were pressing on Tyler's voice and it was hard for him not to let himself get sucked back into memories. He couldn't freak out right now. He needed to be there for his friend.

All colour rushed from Josh's face and a whimper escaped his lungs.

"Hey, hey, it's fine, okay. The stadium was full of fans, they are friends, if anyone understands, it's them,"Tyler tried to reassure Josh but it was too late.

He thought of all the phones that were constantly filming. It was out there already, he was sure of it. And he couldn't stop it.

Everyone would talk and watch.

His vision darkened again. Black crawled back into the corners and a hand wrapped itself around his heart and pressed.

They all knew. They all saw and they all _knew_.

He didn't realize he had shut his eyes until Tyler was touching him again and he lashed out. His body was still tired so he didn't hurt Tyler, but he stumbled back in surprise and immediatley Josh was up and leaving.

He needed to go. Out of this room, this stadium, this world, this _mind_.

He let out a frustrated moan and pushed open the door with his shoulder.

"Josh, wait!",Tyler's steps followed him but he didn't stop. His shaking legs carried him further, faster, until he was running. The aisle didn't seem to end just to stretch itself into a black nothingness.

His feet stopped working and he crashed into the white walls.

They knew they knew they knew knew know knew knew knew-

"C'mon, breathe with me, Josh. _In_... and _out_... Come on, man, don't do this to me again, please,"Tyler's voice fought itself through the screams inside Josh's head. He mumbled calming words, held his best friend and tried to keep his own panic at bay.

After minutes that felt like hours, Josh's breath had calmed down and he could comprehend his surroundings again. He felt Tyler stroking his arm, the rough carpet under his hands and the hard wall on his back.

"I need my drums"

 

\---

 

With a worried look Tyler watched his friend.

Josh had headphones over his ears, drumsticks in his hands and bashed the living soul out of his drums. Everything about him screamed raw, vulnerable and scared and Tyler _hated_ it.

Josh's anxitey wasn't something new and they even had dealt with panic attacks before, but never this bad. Josh didn't remember a thing about passing out and Tyler couldn't forget a single second of it. And he would never be able to. Twitter was already filled with clips and hashtags of the incident, even though it happend only a couple of hours ago.

Tyler knew the fans didn't mean any harm. They loved Josh and had always been understanding of his anxiety.

But Tyler knew if Josh saw all those tweets, it would just send him spiraling down again. It would send him back into this dark scaring place, that Tyler knew just so well. Sometimes he wondered if Josh's darkness might be as dark as his own.

A soft knock made Tyler turn around.

Mark stuck his head inside and implied for Tyler to come outside. With a last glance at his drumming friend, he left the room.

"So, how's he doing?",Mark asked, arms crossed in front of his chest.

Tyler shrugged.

"Better, I think. But if he sees the videos...",Tyler's voice trailed off.

Mark nodded.

"Maybe he should post a little statement or something. Explaining what happened, showing he's alright",the manager suggested, but it was obvious he had everything already planned out.

Tyler chewed on the insides of his cheek.

"We all knew he had anxiety but I didn't think it was that bad. He just- just _fell_ ,"his voice trembled and he felt tears filling up his eyes.

"Hey",Mark pressed his shoulder in comfort,"We were all shocked, Josh the most. But we need to be there for him now and make sure something like thatdoesn't happen again, okay?"

Tyler took a deep breath and collected himself.

"Yes, I know. I'm going to talk to him"

 

\---

 

It didn't take as much convincing as Tyler expected to get Josh to make the video.

It was short and Josh didn't look into the camera once. He talked about how he had been tired and dehydrated. Then he rambled about being anxious and the stress of touring around becoming too much and ended with a reassurance that he was fine and that it wouldn't happen again.

Tyler didn't like it.

It seemed like Josh didn't believe a single thing he was saying and there was something much deeper going on.

The fans didn't buy it either. They hoped he got well soon and told him he wasn't alone, but the conspiracies about what really had happened were still roaming around.

Tyler decided not to press it. If Josh wanted to talk, he would be there.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! comments and kudos are always appreciated. stay alive frens x


End file.
